By Zoran Rakovic

Let it be known: the greatest threat to our nation's future is no longer inflation, climate change, or potholes on State Highway 1. No, it’s 14-year-olds with TikTok accounts.

The other day, Member’s Bill Ballot Cake Tin became richer – a Social Media (Age-Restricted Users) Bill was submitted.  A name which, like most things coming out of Wellington these days, sounds like it was generated by a mildly concussed AI intern on a sugar crash.

This legislation boldly proposes to criminalise teenagers for existing on the internet. Children under 16 shall not pass go, shall not collect followers, and shall definitely not upload any dance videos without government-approved identity documents and a retinal scan administered by a beady-eyed bureaucrat from the Department of Censorship and Mirth Suppression.

Here’s the essence of the bill. If you're 15 years and 364 days old, having a Facebook account is now criminal. If you run a tech platform and fail to detect a cunning teen posing as their older sibling? You face jail. And if you’re a company director who once smiled vaguely at a server room? You're liable too.

It's comforting to know that while housing, healthcare, and education spiral like a flushed toilet, our Parliament has focused on what really matters: making sure 15-year-olds can't comment “slay queen” on each other’s selfies.

One can only imagine what Sir Robert Muldoon would say. Probably something like: “If you want to stop teenagers from being teenagers, you might as well criminalise puberty. You’ll have fewer offenders but a lot more confused parents.” Even Muldoon, patron saint of political pugilism, wouldn’t have touched this nonsense with a cattle prod. But alas, today’s bureaucratic Puritans believe the only way to protect young people from social media… is to turn them into criminals.

Imagine it now: “This just in—15-year-old caught watching a cat video on YouTube. Armed police descended on his bedroom. TikTok evidence seized. Family devastated. Bail denied.”

Sir Bob Jones, ever the gambler, would probably bet a few thousand on every 14-year-old in New Zealand outsmarting this ban within a week. After all, these are the same kids who bypass school firewalls to watch pirated anime and mine cryptocurrency in the school library. You think they can’t fake a date of birth? Please.

And while we’re at it, why stop at social media? Should we raid grandparents’ basements for unrated VHS tapes of The Goonies? Should the state press criminal charges when a 13-year-old reads a copy of Cosmopolitan found in a dentist’s waiting room? Is it time to microchip all children to monitor their eyeballs for exposure to non-approved content?

And let’s not forget the wider vision. This government, in its maternalistic magnificence, seems determined to offer a warm bureaucratic tit from birth to 16 years—a full-service teat of state-approved education, worldview, and supervised screen time—lest any dangerous parent get funny ideas about raising their own children. Can’t have mum or dad encouraging independent thought, or worse, Christian values. No, no. Leave that to the state. It knows best. It always does.

The New Zealand Bill of Rights Act protects freedom of expression, including receiving information and opinions. Apparently, that’s now subject to the Minister’s Mood and whatever passed through Cabinet after their fourth flat white.

This bill is not protection. It’s performance politics, wrapped in a tear-streaked press release about “online harm” and tossed like a flaming paper bag onto the doorstep of tech companies. It won’t protect the vulnerable. It will, however, push kids to sketchier platforms beyond parental supervision. It will criminalise well-meaning families and innovators. And it sets a precedent for state intrusion so absurd, Orwell would’ve dropped his typewriter in horror.

The same Parliament that legalised cannabis referenda, public nudity, and vaping behind dairies is now saying that teenagers can’t have an Instagram account—but only until they turn 16, at which point their brains allegedly undergo a magical transformation rendering them immune to bad decisions.

If this bill passes, don’t be surprised when we start prosecuting 12-year-olds for borrowing Margaret Mahy or Judy Blume books. Or raiding school libraries for The Outsiders on suspicion of “unverified emotional content.” At this rate, we’ll need a new government ministry: The Ministry of Juvenile Thought Control and Algorithmic Conformity.

But fret not—New Zealand may not be able to build enough houses, or staff enough nurses, but by God, we’ll make sure a teenager never posts a meme again.

Liked this piece? Share before they ban satire too.

Zoran Rakovic is a structural engineer with nearly 30 years of experience, who has helped design and strengthen buildings across New Zealand—particularly in Christchurch’s earthquake recovery – while balancing life as a dad, granddad, and outdoor enthusiast. He blogs HERE.